I Am Trapped Inside A Computer

I have become trapped inside my computer. It’s true – it is less a metaphor than you might think. A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, in a land before there was a computer on every desktop, I had a typewriter. I loved my typewriter. It was work to type – and retype – my poems, short stories and articles, but I loved it.

The computer presented a way to make it easier for me to edit and manage my text. And, there was something magical about being able to store my writing on disks. I would bring my disks to a service bureau, and I would print my material. Then, I would use a light-table to create literary magazines and chapbooks. I was in heaven. I loved to write.

Somewhere along the way, I have become seduced by the technology. I became a developer, not a writer, and I began to read computer books on my vacations instead of the literature I used to read. Occasionally, I would get excited about the democratization of knowledge and culture, but the truth is that I abandoned my calling.

In a sense, I have become more interested in the printing press than I am in the written word. There was a time when, if I wanted to read Plato’s Republic, I had to go to the library, or to the bookstore. Today, The Republic is available online from a number of sources. Still, I have not read it in years, and I no longer know people who have read it.

My experience is not that the computer has created a network of scholars and artists. Perhaps it has, but I have long since become seduced by the means of sharing and managing knowledge rather than knowledge and culture itself. In Walden, Thoreau once wrote, “Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at.”

That is my fear sometimes: I have been distracted. It took heart disease to get me to expose myself to Robinson Caruso. I listened to it on my MP3 player while walking to regain my strength and health. What struck me was that society made Robinson Caruso long to be free and wild, but being deserted in the wild had a civilizing effect on him. Even as I love technology, and code, I miss my former interests.

Let me out! (I am sure I will feel differently tomorrow.)

Civilization is a limitless multiplication
of unnecessary necessaries.
Mark Twain

My Life As A Digital Dogsbody

Since moving to Ottawa from Vancouver almost five years ago, I have found myself working for government departments. On the one hand, some of these projects have been important and challenging. On the other hand, many of them have been dull. The factors that contribute to the dullness of the work are:

1. I am almost always working with someone else’s code rather than architecting a solution myself.
2. Since each client is looking for previous experience, it is is harder to get experience in competing technologies.
3. I do not choose or recommend technologies.
4. I do not get to sell myself – I am sold by recruiters. I like selling.
5. Government departments tend to be conservative in their approach.
6. Budgets have forced many of my clients to hire very small, often one person teams. The resulting code is often good in one area, but mediocre in many other respects. (For example, there may be a well designed site sitting on a bad database. Or, there might be a great object layer, but no requirements and poor usability.)
7. I am withering on the vine from lack of exposure to innovation. My creativity has not always been required.
8. I do not negotiate the contract with the client. My recruiter does. The terms and conditions often have more to do with payment schedules than with project management or quality control.
9. My business in Vancouver was based on referrals and relationships. Selling myself through recruiters, and the nature of the government procurement process itself, does not make this easy or possible.

This probably reflects more on the ghetto I have allowed myself to fall into than on government as a whole. I have allowed myself to become a digital dogsbody.

Working with young people has been a pleasure. I like new ideas, and I need the shock of being exposed to a new perspective every now and then. But, I also suffer because I am older than many developers. It requires a certain humility to work under a younger person who is making mistakes I have already made and learned from. I know better than to criticize, but there are times when humility has come close to humiliation. I hate being paid to do a bad job, but it is often not my responsibility to make sure that the job goes well.

Therefore, I need to make some changes. Perhaps it will take a while. I need to find my own clients, and I need to take responsibility for finding projects that are exciting. I need to put myself in positions where my age is an asset and not a liability. This probably means hiring help, training others and mentoring. This probably means being paid for my advice and experience as much or more than for my hands-on work.

With my recent heart problems, I also need to diversify my revenue streams. My arteries are clean, but for some reason, my heart is weak. I have gotten to the point where I am stronger, and capable of exertions that healthy people my age are impressed by – but, I pay in fatigue.

The challenge now will be to get the kids through school, and to provide for my retirement while aging and dealing with the threat of illness. I need passive revenue streams based on continuous or metered services. I may also need a business that can continue to earn revenue on a day-to-day basis without my presence or participation. A sick day represents a loss to me right now, but I need a business that can allow me to have a bad day.

The very young have a reputation for adaptability and an ability to change and learn. This is true, but as you get older, there is still a need to change and grow. There is still a need to learn. Conditions still put pressure on you to evolve. At 46, I still consider myself young enough – but this is a time of change. Uncertainty is there, too. If you are twenty-five years old, and you think your goals are in sight, it might be hard to imagine this – goals change, something always slips beyond your grasp even as you grab a hold of it.

Basically, life finds a way to continue to be challenging. At the end of the day, it can be fun. It has to be. Now, I need to find ways to put an end to my life as a digital dogsbody. Instead of moaning about the lack of opportunities to be creative, I need to be creative.

Hacking Your Own Body

My approach to living with cardiomyopathy is a lot like my approach to programming – not programming to get a job done, but playing and investigating. Most programmers have run a page with chaching turned off, and then turned on, just to see how much difference it makes. We all have our own sloppy set of bench marks. It’s part of learning.

I find myself doing the same thing with my body. If my pulse seems high, I have learned that I should eat a banana or an orange to raise my potassium. Because low blood sugar can also speed up the heart, just eating can also help. I may also take a magnesium supplement. I am learning to tune my body.

My blood preasure was never really high, but now my cardiologist is trying to lower my blood pressure low to give my heart a rest as it beats. Anything I do to keep it low is good: resting, listening to music, taking a nap. Eating is a form of treatment for me now as much as a matter of taste. I now know that cerries are a good source of potassium, but new research shows that they may also lessen muscle pain when I bike too hard. I have not tried it, but tea made from cherry stems is a good diuretic. Cherries themselves are a diuretic, and they are a good source of fibre. After having been hospitalized with congestive heart failure, I am always looking for natural ways to get rid of excess fluid.

Research suggests that aerobic activity can suppress neurohormonal activation, a process which may cause the heart to enlarge and change shape – some of my medications perform the same function. Activity combined with meds feel great together. That’s what a hacker does: he combines approaches, applies different solutions and measures his progress.
Remembering to thank God also has an effect. Call it the power of positive thinking, but I call it something else. Making the effort to get along with people and letting go of resentment has an influence I can measure with a blood preasure cuff. Proverbs 4:20-23 says that the word of God is health to the body. In my case, you could say that I have literally given my heart to Jesus.

The fine tuning it takes to live with an illness requires one to pay attention to several factors. It’s a lot like tuning code.

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