For anybody who has been waiting for me to continue my work on scripting languages for DB4O, I am sorry to have dropped the ball. I find myself having a technological midlife crisis. Let me explain.

In a normal midlife crisis, a man may fear that he has married the wrong woman, or he may fear that he has failed to realize his potential, or he may make sudden impulsive changes in his life to take advantage of his last chance at a dream. He could question everything he has done, and feel that it has no value. That is what I am going through – not in the rest of my life, which has settled nicely, but in my work.

I dislike spending all of my time thinking about how things are done rather than why. I dislike being so involved in the details that I do not even think about why I am doing things. It’s all about how. How do I install Ruby on Rails on a Linux box? How do I use LINQ with DB4O? I like being able to do this stuff, but the how of it monopolizes all of my time and effort. I have been learning how to do this stuff for so long I am not sure why I ever wanted to do it in the first place.

Lately, my clients have seemed lost, too. They build systems because they have a budget, and just because that’s what you do to manage information. Right? I feel more like a digital janitor, sweeping bits and bytes from here, putting them there, and then I go home. At least a janitor produces something everybody can see. Nobody knows what I do other than the dissatisfied few who share my lot. Am I being fair to my coworkers? Probably not.

Nobody believes that we are going to build something great, nobody is even trying. It’s a job, and it pays very well. In fact, the more lost the client, the more money there seems to be for me. How many of us get stuck in places like this?

To be clear, when I say “places like this”, I do not mean a particular shop or project. That would be an excuse. The projects and shops I have ended up in reflect the metaphysical place in am stuck in. My projects reflect my state of mind. What am I going to have to show for this career I have chosen? I got paid for being good at what I do, but I never really achieved anything? It would be unprofessional of me to say anything about my current client, but I am getting very little out my work.

Even as I read about new approaches and technologies, I feel as if we are constantly improving the means to achieve the same ends. In fact, we are improving the means as a substitute for improving the ends. In the absence of something better to do we want to find betters ways of doing the things we have been doing. What has happened to the human imagination that it has given up on greatness and preoccupies itself with finding easier and faster ways to achieve mediocre ends?

Yet, I still have good days. In fact, my misery is more intense when I think about it than when I do to work and write code. Still, it’s a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, I feel that all I have to do is learn how to do this one last thing, or master this one last technique or approach, and I will be ready to contribute something beyond just keeping up with change. Sometimes, I fear I have grown tired of change just as it promises to take us somewhere. Wouldn’t that be something?

Yet, life goes on, and I continue to blog. Perhaps, one day, these feelings will resolve into a meaningful change in my career and work. Let’s keep at it.

A few people have noticed that I am not blogging much these days. In short, work has been keeping me busy. And, we are moving. Packing and cleaning takes time. My weak heart handles exercise and work very well, but moving boxes just kills me. I experience a deep and enveloping fatigue. Perhaps that would happen any way – it’s hard to know what to attribute to the weak heart.

We also have some personal commitments to keep. Last night, my nephew, Jeremy, graduated from high school. He was the class valedictorian. Great speech, Jeremy! Jeremy also had an outstanding high school career – he is poised to do very well in university if he can keep this up.

Tomorrow, my kids have a little graduation ceremony of their own. Madison will be going into grade 2 next year. It is going fast.

Blogging will become part of my life again, but, time is in short supply. I expect to be writing more about Turbogears in the future – my buddy Scott and I are investing time in a project that depends on Turbogears.

During the summer, I want to bike as much as possible, especially in the Gatineau Hills. I love to cycle, and one of my big concerns when I was first diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy was that I would no longer be able to go on long bike rides.

However, I am convinced that biking is helping to save my life. I feel stronger and better able to perform in other arenas of my life, but biking takes time, too. The kids take time, and they should. My wife and I need time. The new house will take time . . . but, I will blog again.

This has not been my experience in the field of software. I have grown in personal ways, but a kid coming out of school is learning Ruby On Rails just as I am. Not only am I in a cycle of constant learning, but I am often reading about things just to stay current. Often, I never use or apply these things. Many young people are better than I am in many areas because they acquired their skills in these areas at the same time I did.

There is even a expectation that on older person like me will know less. Most certainly, I am expected to think in stiff and antiquated ways. This puts pressure on me to keep learning to keep working. The pace of learning has never stopped or slowed down for me. It is the same.

This is the one difference between me and some of the younger people I run across. They embrace novelty, and that is their strength. In time, they will have to embrace or cope with change. That will be a different experience for them. Fewer people like rapid and constant change. People cling to their hard won competence and knowledge even as the rest of the world is telling them that it is becoming less relevant. They cling to their status. The pride of the young in their new found skill will be their downfall in these changing times.

I, for one, realize that I will never graduate. I will never arrive. Any status I gain based on expertise will be diminished as soon as the next big thing comes along. As a programmer, unless I create the next superduper programming language, I will never have laurels to rest on. (By the way, Java was the next superdupper programming language. Young people are excited about other languages now.)

On the one hand, this makes life exciting. I take pleasure in the change and the learning. I embrace the enthusiasm of the young. I also take secret pleasure in watching a young whippersnapper turn into a clued-out fuddy duddy, especially if the young whippersnapper has become arrogant. The confidence of youth quickly transforms itself into paternalism and condescension.

I was going to close here, but as soon as I used the word “paternalism” I wanted to find a more gender neutral word. I realized that the word “maternal” has a more positive connotation. Perhaps that is the attitude we need to foster: a maternalism, a nurturing of the young. It is important for older people to pass on what they know about coping with change just as they pass on technical skills. It is important for young people to get over the idea of arriving, or of graduating. The learning may never end. Nor should it.

The computer presented a way to make it easier for me to edit and manage my text. And, there was something magical about being able to store my writing on disks. I would bring my disks to a service bureau, and I would print my material. Then, I would use a light-table to create literary magazines and chapbooks. I was in heaven. I loved to write.

Somewhere along the way, I have become seduced by the technology. I became a developer, not a writer, and I began to read computer books on my vacations instead of the literature I used to read. Occasionally, I would get excited about the democratization of knowledge and culture, but the truth is that I abandoned my calling.

In a sense, I have become more interested in the printing press than I am in the written word. There was a time when, if I wanted to read Plato’s Republic, I had to go to the library, or to the bookstore. Today, The Republic is available online from a number of sources. Still, I have not read it in years, and I no longer know people who have read it.

My experience is not that the computer has created a network of scholars and artists. Perhaps it has, but I have long since become seduced by the means of sharing and managing knowledge rather than knowledge and culture itself. In Walden, Thoreau once wrote, “Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at.”

That is my fear sometimes: I have been distracted. It took heart disease to get me to expose myself to Robinson Caruso. I listened to it on my MP3 player while walking to regain my strength and health. What struck me was that society made Robinson Caruso long to be free and wild, but being deserted in the wild had a civilizing effect on him. Even as I love technology, and code, I miss my former interests.

Let me out! (I am sure I will feel differently tomorrow.)

Civilization is a limitless multiplication
of unnecessary necessaries.
Mark Twain

1. I am almost always working with someone else’s code rather than architecting a solution myself.
2. Since each client is looking for previous experience, it is is harder to get experience in competing technologies.
3. I do not choose or recommend technologies.
4. I do not get to sell myself – I am sold by recruiters. I like selling.
5. Government departments tend to be conservative in their approach.
6. Budgets have forced many of my clients to hire very small, often one person teams. The resulting code is often good in one area, but mediocre in many other respects. (For example, there may be a well designed site sitting on a bad database. Or, there might be a great object layer, but no requirements and poor usability.)
7. I am withering on the vine from lack of exposure to innovation. My creativity has not always been required.
8. I do not negotiate the contract with the client. My recruiter does. The terms and conditions often have more to do with payment schedules than with project management or quality control.
9. My business in Vancouver was based on referrals and relationships. Selling myself through recruiters, and the nature of the government procurement process itself, does not make this easy or possible.

This probably reflects more on the ghetto I have allowed myself to fall into than on government as a whole. I have allowed myself to become a digital dogsbody.

Working with young people has been a pleasure. I like new ideas, and I need the shock of being exposed to a new perspective every now and then. But, I also suffer because I am older than many developers. It requires a certain humility to work under a younger person who is making mistakes I have already made and learned from. I know better than to criticize, but there are times when humility has come close to humiliation. I hate being paid to do a bad job, but it is often not my responsibility to make sure that the job goes well.

Therefore, I need to make some changes. Perhaps it will take a while. I need to find my own clients, and I need to take responsibility for finding projects that are exciting. I need to put myself in positions where my age is an asset and not a liability. This probably means hiring help, training others and mentoring. This probably means being paid for my advice and experience as much or more than for my hands-on work.

With my recent heart problems, I also need to diversify my revenue streams. My arteries are clean, but for some reason, my heart is weak. I have gotten to the point where I am stronger, and capable of exertions that healthy people my age are impressed by – but, I pay in fatigue.

The challenge now will be to get the kids through school, and to provide for my retirement while aging and dealing with the threat of illness. I need passive revenue streams based on continuous or metered services. I may also need a business that can continue to earn revenue on a day-to-day basis without my presence or participation. A sick day represents a loss to me right now, but I need a business that can allow me to have a bad day.

The very young have a reputation for adaptability and an ability to change and learn. This is true, but as you get older, there is still a need to change and grow. There is still a need to learn. Conditions still put pressure on you to evolve. At 46, I still consider myself young enough – but this is a time of change. Uncertainty is there, too. If you are twenty-five years old, and you think your goals are in sight, it might be hard to imagine this – goals change, something always slips beyond your grasp even as you grab a hold of it.

Basically, life finds a way to continue to be challenging. At the end of the day, it can be fun. It has to be. Now, I need to find ways to put an end to my life as a digital dogsbody. Instead of moaning about the lack of opportunities to be creative, I need to be creative.

My approach to living with cardiomyopathy is a lot like my approach to programming – not programming to get a job done, but playing and investigating. Most programmers have run a page with chaching turned off, and then turned on, just to see how much difference it makes. We all have our own sloppy set of bench marks. It’s part of learning.

I find myself doing the same thing with my body. If my pulse seems high, I have learned that I should eat a banana or an orange to raise my potassium. Because low blood sugar can also speed up the heart, just eating can also help. I may also take a magnesium supplement. I am learning to tune my body.

My blood preasure was never really high, but now my cardiologist is trying to lower my blood pressure low to give my heart a rest as it beats. Anything I do to keep it low is good: resting, listening to music, taking a nap. Eating is a form of treatment for me now as much as a matter of taste. I now know that cerries are a good source of potassium, but new research shows that they may also lessen muscle pain when I bike too hard. I have not tried it, but tea made from cherry stems is a good diuretic. Cherries themselves are a diuretic, and they are a good source of fibre. After having been hospitalized with congestive heart failure, I am always looking for natural ways to get rid of excess fluid.

Research suggests that aerobic activity can suppress neurohormonal activation, a process which may cause the heart to enlarge and change shape – some of my medications perform the same function. Activity combined with meds feel great together. That’s what a hacker does: he combines approaches, applies different solutions and measures his progress.
Remembering to thank God also has an effect. Call it the power of positive thinking, but I call it something else. Making the effort to get along with people and letting go of resentment has an influence I can measure with a blood preasure cuff. Proverbs 4:20-23 says that the word of God is health to the body. In my case, you could say that I have literally given my heart to Jesus.

The fine tuning it takes to live with an illness requires one to pay attention to several factors. It’s a lot like tuning code.

My goal as a software developer is to write good code, and to meet the needs of my client by applying technology to solve business problems. My goal as a heart patient is to improve my ejection fraction, to increase my exercise tolerance, to maintain or improve my quality of life, to survive a diagnosis that has been know to kill 40% of people in the first year, and to live a long life that will allow me to provide for my step kids and for my wife.

I want to build a life for us all to remember together, and I find comfort in thinking that my step children will remember this time we spend together seventy years from now. I care about them, and I have more than hopes for them: I want to equip them for life, and to teach them things to help them. In a way, I am also committed to a cause, or several, and I may want to extend my moral influence into the future through them – such is my conceit.

Nerds do not have a reputation for knowing much about exercise or health. In fact, we have a reputation for not being good at sports and for eating badly. That is our reputation, at any rate. Whether we exercise or not, I think we can safely say that we differ from most people in peculiar ways. My approach to health is nerdy, I think. My wife would agree – the way I talk about it certainly makes he suppress a giggle.

In the morning, I start my day by checking in with God by at least praying, and perhaps by reading the bible. Very quickly after that, I visit some websites to keep up with technology. I read about trends, and I read various articles about programming in either Java, C#, Python, Ruby, PHP or Javascript. I do not routinely program in each of these languages, but concepts are interesting. I also follow certain frameworks: Turbogears, Django and Ruby on Rails. Again, I do not use these frameworks in my work, but concepts are useful. Basically, I try to stay informed.

I also keep up with research on cardiomyopathy and heart failure. For example, I have decided to take Coenzyme Q10 even though my cardiologist advises that he has no reason to believe there is a benefit. I have found no research that indicates that it does harm, and I have found a lot that indicates that there may be a benefit. However, my risk management strategy is check the research every week. I also take magnesium and chromium.

My angiogram reveals that my arteries are in great shape, but blood tests revealed that my triglycerides were high and my levels of good cholesterol were extremely low. My cardiologist prescribed Lipitor to address my cholesterol problems, but I read that Lipitor shares a chemical pathway with Coenzyme Q10, which is a source of energy for the heart. This interferes with Coenzyme Q10 production in the body. A Dr. Silver recommends taking Coenzyme Q10 supplements if you take Lipitor and you have suffered from congestive heart failure. I decided to discontinue the Lipitor since my arteries are clear anyway, and to address the cholesterol problems through diet and exercise.

As a matter of course, I also track research on Lipitor, and I found an amazing study that suggests that Lipitor may have other benefits in heart failure. Lipitor seems to be associated with increased ejection fractions and better outcomes in general, despite the warning about the shared chemical pathway with Coenzyme Q10. I still refrain from taking Lipitor because I have concerns for liver complications associated with Lipitor, but I will monitor my cholesterol levels and reassess at a later date.

One of the risks I face every day is that I will retain water. This water can end up impairing the function of my heart and lungs by causing congestion. I manage this risk by getting weighed every day. A sudden gain in weight indicates a possible problem. I also manage this risk by reducing my salt intake. Salt helps the body retain fluid, but reduced salt intake is associated with less water retention. As a final precaution, I take a daily diuretic to help me shed fluid that may end up around my heart and lungs.

I have often said that a database, especially a database that is being used every day, is a machine. It breathes, it excretes and it performs other bodily functions. Databases need checkups, too. I find myself taking the same approach to my own health as I do to technology. If you are a nerd, and you are struggling with a chronic illness, perhaps you should consider transfering some of your skills to managing your health.

Somewhere I have a journal I used to write in when I was twenty years old. In it, I agonized about changing my major from political science to computer science. I was drawn to technology, and I saw something in it that still mazes me. I think I wrote that the computer would become the tool that would reintroduce or recreate the renaissance man (or woman). I imagined creativity of a new sort, and such creations.

I was right, and that was visionary, but look what happened to me! I became so enthralled by the computer that I abandoned the creativity that used to be so important to me – I use all of my creativity in my code, but not even my clients see that or understand that. My code is not seen or scrutinized by anybody, and I do not even keep it – it is not mine to keep, and, frankly, I have no use for it. That is just it – I have no use for the things I create, and I do not create things for myself.

Do not misunderstand: I love my work, but this is not what I set out to do. I used to write poetry, draw, write songs and sing. I read so-called literature. I even read philosophy, but now I read about things that are obscure to most of the people I am tempermentally drawn to. I have become preoccupied with the tools themselves, and less interested or involved in those things I set out to create as a young man. Am I unhappy with my choices? No, but I miss the old me.

What makes Web 2.0 interesting is that it is less about the technology and more about the uses of technology. I like blogging. I like my social bookmarks. I love Wikipedia, and Wikis in general.

A couple of weeks ago, Juan O’Neill, someone I knew in the Ottawa poetry scene over 20 years ago died. I saw Juan a few months ago at a health food store and he invited me to come out to read at the Sasquatch poetry reading series. I was too busy, and to involved in my family and in my recovery from heart failure, and I missed the chance to show him what I wrote while I was away in Vancouver during the nineties.

I could have printed some poems and attended an open reading, but I spent my time reading about Django and CherryPy, neither of which I use. Sure, I like what I do, but technology is killing part of me. It is choking me off. Now that I have a medical condition that comes with a diminished life expectancy, I am thinking about this part of me that has been choked off.

My friend, Marty Flomen, who was also a poet and computer consultant died in the nineties of heart failure and kidney problems. As far as I know, he struggled for 15 years with the disease. My father recently died, and so did my mother. Juan just died. This is more than a mid-life crisis, but let’s call it that.

Am I living the life I was called to live? I happen to believe that death is not the end, and that there is more, but I also believe that it matters how we fill our days. God cares. How we choose fill our days tells us who we are.

Wait for it! Here it comes, the inevitably mundane and yet compellingly profound question: who am I? What have I become? Is this who I want to continue being, or is there more inside me that still wants to come out?

What has been fulfilled in our lives in satisfying, and it should be, but a life worth living has to be lived for what has not been fulfilled – that is how I think we were designed. Not even God rests on the things He created in the first seven days of the World. God creates every day, and I believe that He yearns for us. Love is about yearning, not just about being satisfied. Love is not a done deal. It is a continuing creative act.

So, what am I to do with with this technology I love? I do not think I want to quit to write plays, or anything like that, but I do want to get back in touch with the impulse that drove me to become interested in computers twenty-six years ago. That impulse had more to do with what was inside the mind and the soul of Man than it has to do with what was inside the computer. I feel as if I became mesmerized by the inner-workings of a clock, and forgot all about my appointments.

Knowing how to keep better time is not the same as having a better time. As Neil Postman was inclined to believe and say, technology often represents nothing more than an improved means to an unimproved end. As much as I enjoy clever things, and as much I can become distracted by the inner-workings of certain digital artifacts, I am feeling a longing to embrace the first thing that drew me to technology: the potential to achieve something better not just the ability to achieve the some old things faster or more efficiently.

This is a feeling – it will either lead to something, or it will not.

One of my colleagues asked me how old I was, and would not believe me when I told him that I was forty. It was not that I looked too young to be forty, or that I dressed and acted young. As he said, “How can that be? You know all the new stuff!” Later in the year, I was freelancing, and I was recommended to a client by a friend. When I showed up, my new client was surprised at my age. He said, “Sean spoke so highly of you, I was expecting a fresh faced boy genius.”

This did not bother me. I expected that the young developers would be singing a different tune when they turned forty. Now, I am about to turn forty-six, and I have been diagnosed with a heart condition. Middle age has definitely descended on me. I cannot deny it, but I have the following reflections.

When I was in my twenties, I was desperate to learn new things. I imagined that there was a day, just over the horizon, when I would know enough to be taken seriously. I carried computer books with me wherever I went. I had a passion, and a vision of what computers would do for us in the future.

In my thirties, I was desperate to do something with what I had learned. Of course, I was still learning. I had to learn about relational databases, object oriented programming, and the web. I had to learn about object modeling, and I had learn a host of new programming languages. Even the languages I knew were changing. Every year, I had to embrace new concepts, and learn to use new tools. Still, I imagined that there was a day, just over the horizon, when I would know enough to be considered truly knowledgeable.

Sometimes, I lamented the fact that in days-gone-by, a man my age would have completed his apprenticeship. He would know his trade in full, and he would be applying his knowledge rather than learning all over again. He would be refining and perfecting his skill, but he would not be starting at square one each and every year. Such is the curse of living in interesting times. Still, I was learning, and I was having fun.

At all times, before I was 40, I kept my eyes on my elders and betters. I found people to learn from and admire. I imagined a day in the future when I would achieve the competence I desired. Of course, others found me increasingly competent, but I always had the sense that I was falling behind. I felt that change was nipping at my heals the whole time. And, it was!

As I reflect on turning 46, I make note of the fact that I am now keeping my eyes on younger and better people. There is nothing wrong with that. Unbridled enthusiasm, rebellious curiosity, imagination and consuming passion are characteristics of youth. Some people lose these characteristics as they age. There is nothing wrong with that. This less enthusiastic stage can represent a consolidation of wisdom rather than a waning of learning.

But, I have to note that, for me, the characteristics of youth are characteristics of my personality rather than characteristics of my current stage of life. The new thing always grabs my attention. I delight when an old way of thinking dies away. I take pleasure when stuffiness, rigidity and arrogance are beaten back by spontaneity, creativity and vision.

Which brings me to observe how the Web is changing. It used to be about platforms, programming languages and technologies. Just five years ago, every hotshot I met was a Java programmer. Now the Web itself is taking off in new directions, and I like it – a lot. Now, there is Ruby On Rails, Turbogears, Django, Python, AJAX and Ruby. Previous technologies, which were once considered the anwser to everything, are being replaced and displaced by alternatives. What was sufficient becomes insufficient.

In the past year and a bit, I have discovered blogging, social bookmarking, microformats and more. I also find myself listening to classic novels on my MP3 player as I walk, or reading them on my laptop. And, of course, I have discovered the world of podcasting. I have also started to use Open Source software almost exclusively, except for work I have to do to earn my living in this slow-moving government town.

I strikes me that I will never arrive at my imagined destination. I will never know enough, or be able to do enough. If anything, time has taught me how much there is to learn and how much there always will be to explore. One of the pitfalls of youth is the belief that one knows all there is to know, or that one can know it all eventually. Even as I was learning, I had a sense that the horizon was the end of the world, that I could get there by my own effort and stand at the edge of things.

Now that I am older, now that another year prepares to turn, I must conclude that beyond every horizon there is another horizon. If the world seemed big to me when I was younger, it seems bigger to me now. It strikes me that the day may come when I stop embracing every new technological thing. The day may come when I have had enough. I do not expect that I will be tired or spent, but I may be ready for something new.

When they I move on to other things comes, even as I push off for another shore, I am sure there will be a group of well wishers on the beach lamenting to themselves and to each other, saying, “Another one bites the dust.” Even the imaginativeness of youth cannot conceive how much more there is to be dream than has already been imagined. Obviously, Shakespeare said it better: “There are stranger things in this world than in all your philosophies, Horatio.”

I will permit myself just once to sound like an old fart. The young often believe that the world is wonderful for them and less so for their elders. If only they knew.

I have lost nearly thirty pounds since the middle of August, fourteen of which were lost when I started taking diuretics. (Cardiomyopathy causes you to retain water, which can gather around the heart; therefore, cut down on your salt!) I have lost six pounds in the past month by watching what I eat. The cardiologist says the weight loss will probably help.

After a lifetime of easily recovering from illness, it is easy for me to step back into feeling well again. It is easy to forget that a week and a half ago I was lying on a table watching the eyes of a nurse widen as my heart started to beat out of rhythm. First, it beat too fast and then it slowed to thirty beats a minutes. When I feel well, it is easy for me to forget the cold feeling that spread from my head to my toes as I became dizzy and started to pass out. I began to fear that the nurse who was hovering over me could be the last person I would ever see on Earth. The cardiologist tells me that I was in no danger, but I was afraid and called out to God. I was afraid that my wife would have to raise two daughters, ages three and five, without me.

Today, I find myself feeling superior to the man who was next to me as I waited to have my angiogram. He ate the wrong things, smoked, was depressed and did not take his medications as he had been instructed to take them. I pat myself on the back for being a positive person, for not having any outrageously bad habits.

I tell myself that the statistics I have read do not apply to me. I, at least, can contribute to my recovery, and I am doing the right things. These are all good thoughts, but how easy it is to call out to God when we need Him, and how easy it is to take all of the credit later. The time to call out to God is now; and to praise Him. It is time to thank Him for my positive disposition, and to thank Him for giving me the means to participate in my recovery. As God would have reminded Job, God reminds me: “Can you restore the beat of your own heart when it slows to a crawl? Can you keep it beating although it is weak and enlarged? Do you even know how sick you are even as I am making you well?” How easy it is to fall back into my accustomed arrogance.

A health crisis could befall any of us at any time. As we fret over being middle aged, our waistlines, our receding hairlines, our diminished sight, and our decreasing sexual desire (or, so I have heard) . . . these can quickly become the least of our problems. The one thing worse than having fewer days ahead of you than behind you is being forty-five and having no days ahead of you. Be grateful for the health and the life you have. I am.

The time will come when I have to part with my Earthly life, but I promised Kelly to help her raise the girls in the fear and admonition of the Lord. As much as I have lived already, I have only just begun. I feel, as any one of you would feel in my place, that this is not my time, not yet.

I have peace about what happens when I die, and an assurance that has been a great comfort, but not yet. There are people here that I love, and I want to stay with them and to help them. I feel that I still have things to do, and I believe deeply that they matter.

I went for a beautiful walk yesterday. The snow has begun to fall. As if it were possible, I love my llife even more now than I did before. I love God with each step I take; with each unlaboured breath of fresh air I take. I feel as if I owe God even more than I owed Him before, which is not possible. I owe Him not because I believe He will lengthen my days but because He has deepend my appreciation of the days that remain. I trust that He will cause all things to work together for good, but I cannot imagine not being here to see it and to praise Him for it. I want to stay with my family.