Admitting I Have A Problem

Is the Internet making my life better? Or, is it merely an improved means to an unimproved end? This morning, I want to be honest about some of the time I spend with my computer, and I want to admit that I have a problem.

In recent years, I have a developed an obsessive hyper-vigilance – I watch news and events, product alerts, new releases, industry news, current events, and new programming languages. I have developed a persistent fear of “not knowing” – I am not sure what I am afraid of not knowing, but that is part of the condition. Therefore, I spend an inordinate amount of time keeping up with trends and knowledge that I do not use or apply.

Sometimes I wear myself out taking information in, but I produce nothing. I have nothing to show for what I have read – often, reading degenerates into a fit of clicking on disconnected hyperlinks, one after the other, like a man who cannot find his car keys and is starting to panic. I start by reading about computational methods, and end up reading about rumors that Stephen Hawking is being physically abused or hit.

At times, I feel like a compulsive slot machine player, pulling the information lever, praying to hit the mother lode. There must be a fact, or an information source, that will yield some satisfaction or some relief. Instead, I come away with a list of books I will never have time to read, toys I will never own, bookmarked links I will never click on, and things I will never know how to do.

I hoard bookmarks just in case. This is my stash, my arsenal. In time links go stale: information moves, or disappears. Often I cannot find the link I am looking for. I am a digital pack rat, and I am running out of space.

Actually, I have infinite storage, but I cannot use it effectively. I cannot find a specific family picture – in fact, I spend more time taking pictures that I do looking at them. Pictures no longer represent cherished memories because I never stop to cherish them. A picture is a moment I record because I am afraid to loose it. I store the picture and never think of that moment again.

If I were to be cut off from my computer – not just my computer but the Internet, I would feel a building discomfort that could turn into a panic. How long would I last? If I lost my data, I secretly believe that part of me would have died, too. I do not know which I would fear more, a stroke or a hard drive crash.

At the same time, my data has never brought me close to my family. Nobody cares about it. Nobody will ever look at it. Nobody really considers that I have a treasure. My data and many of my files are often freely available, replaceable and redundant. It is not the bits and bytes that I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of losing the context – I am the context. I am interested in these things. To lose them is to lose myself.

Sometimes, I register domain names and never use them. I have spoken to many people who like my ideas so much that they want to start a company and build something brilliant with me. I know a man who has incorporated a few times, and registered domains names, but has done nothing. His corporations are dormant, and his web sites are permanently in construction, which is a big fat lie. If you are my friend and you think I am talking about you, then I have made my point.

If I were not to program for a year, especially this year, I would fear falling behind. That would mean that I was an old, washed-up has-been who will never catch up. It is not just tools or languages, but concepts. Continuous integration, aspect oriented programming, concurrent programming, the merging of the file system and the database, accessibility, usability, distributed concurrent databases, distributed file systems, GIS, separation of concerns, closures, list comprehensions, test-driven development . . .

I cannot stop. It is stressful. I buy too many books. I produce very little, except the boring vanilla-flavored code my clients require and prefer. My clients do not use unit tests, and do not want to pay me to write them. Many of my clients think they are on the cutting edge, but they are almost without exception afraid to try anything new.

There are kids out there having more fun then I am having. Things I wanted to try but was told would never work are being done by nineteen year olds who become millionaires while I struggle to pay my back taxes.

I also spend too much time configuring features and settings on my computer that I never use. I download and install tools that I never use. I dream of the ideal setup, and I am forever implementing it and never using it. I have no specific plans, but many how-to articles.

I have many options, but I have made no decisions. I spend time upgrading and reconfiguring software that I have never used only to continue not using it. Then I upgrade it again.

After going to the washroom, the first thing I do in the morning is go to my computer. Who sent me an email? Do I have comments on my blog? Do I have comment spam? What ‘s the news today? What is the weather like? Did I receive any friend requests? Why didn’t Jill respond to my friend request? Oh crap, I have to send Leanne those pictures. I need to check Google analytics to see how the blog is doing. I need to send Leslie an email! I received a few reminders of Fran’s birthday, but I never followed up. Why is the Canadian dollar dropping? Should I try Elastic Cloud? (Oh look: 15 Free Tools for Web-based Collaboration. I just have to read that!)

I have a problem. How about you? I think I am exagerating for the sake of making a point, but am I?