Getting My Footing

The books I have read about cardiomyopathy say that I will have good days, and bad days. I have been doing everything I should and I do everything I can to be well and recover the strength of my heart. For the past four or five days, I have felt completely well. I am not testing this feeling by pushing too hard, but there were days when I felt worse and my heart was well.

I have lost nearly thirty pounds since the middle of August, fourteen of which were lost when I started taking diuretics. (Cardiomyopathy causes you to retain water, which can gather around the heart; therefore, cut down on your salt!) I have lost six pounds in the past month by watching what I eat. The cardiologist says the weight loss will probably help.

After a lifetime of easily recovering from illness, it is easy for me to step back into feeling well again. It is easy to forget that a week and a half ago I was lying on a table watching the eyes of a nurse widen as my heart started to beat out of rhythm. First, it beat too fast and then it slowed to thirty beats a minutes. When I feel well, it is easy for me to forget the cold feeling that spread from my head to my toes as I became dizzy and started to pass out. I began to fear that the nurse who was hovering over me could be the last person I would ever see on Earth. The cardiologist tells me that I was in no danger, but I was afraid and called out to God. I was afraid that my wife would have to raise two daughters, ages three and five, without me.

Today, I find myself feeling superior to the man who was next to me as I waited to have my angiogram. He ate the wrong things, smoked, was depressed and did not take his medications as he had been instructed to take them. I pat myself on the back for being a positive person, for not having any outrageously bad habits.

I tell myself that the statistics I have read do not apply to me. I, at least, can contribute to my recovery, and I am doing the right things. These are all good thoughts, but how easy it is to call out to God when we need Him, and how easy it is to take all of the credit later. The time to call out to God is now; and to praise Him. It is time to thank Him for my positive disposition, and to thank Him for giving me the means to participate in my recovery. As God would have reminded Job, God reminds me: “Can you restore the beat of your own heart when it slows to a crawl? Can you keep it beating although it is weak and enlarged? Do you even know how sick you are even as I am making you well?” How easy it is to fall back into my accustomed arrogance.

A health crisis could befall any of us at any time. As we fret over being middle aged, our waistlines, our receding hairlines, our diminished sight, and our decreasing sexual desire (or, so I have heard) . . . these can quickly become the least of our problems. The one thing worse than having fewer days ahead of you than behind you is being forty-five and having no days ahead of you. Be grateful for the health and the life you have. I am.

The time will come when I have to part with my Earthly life, but I promised Kelly to help her raise the girls in the fear and admonition of the Lord. As much as I have lived already, I have only just begun. I feel, as any one of you would feel in my place, that this is not my time, not yet.

I have peace about what happens when I die, and an assurance that has been a great comfort, but not yet. There are people here that I love, and I want to stay with them and to help them. I feel that I still have things to do, and I believe deeply that they matter.

I went for a beautiful walk yesterday. The snow has begun to fall. As if it were possible, I love my llife even more now than I did before. I love God with each step I take; with each unlaboured breath of fresh air I take. I feel as if I owe God even more than I owed Him before, which is not possible. I owe Him not because I believe He will lengthen my days but because He has deepend my appreciation of the days that remain. I trust that He will cause all things to work together for good, but I cannot imagine not being here to see it and to praise Him for it. I want to stay with my family.